It occurred to me this morning at my weekly AA women’s group meeting that the only thing that prevents me from picking up the next drink is what my head is filled with and what my hands are doing. If I am not careful about doing what the program suggests, my head might be filled with lies and deceit, therefore giving my hand an opportunity to engage in impulsive activities. Last night I had a drinking dream. This was the first in a long time. Some AAs refer to drinking dreams as “freebies;” an opportunity to taste and engage in patterns of our past without the guilt of live participation. In the dream, I had a shot of vodka in my hands, and I lifted it to my lips and took a sip, just enough to wet my lips. I could feel the burn of the clear, fiery spirit in my mouth. I set down the glass, and immediately thought about AA, and my conviction to stay sober. I wondered if this tasting of the alcohol counted as an incident I would later feel compelled to confess. Did it count as “falling off the wagon?”
I did not recall the dream until I was sitting in the meeting this morning, and the woman next to me recounted an incident last night in a local health-oriented grocery store where she was tempted to drink by a wine-tasting they were offering to all shoppers, complete with cheese and crackers as a chaser. In the end, she didn’t partake, but her story was a strong reminder to me that my sobriety is contingent upon where my head is at and what my hands are doing. It is up to me to continue to make deposits in my sobriety bank account. Then, when under times of stress or struggling under the burden of resentment, my head might be able to control my hand by cashing in on a deposit of truth that is instilled by the program, and by my God. The absence of alcohol in my life has enabled me to be filled with His truths powered by love, instead of the lies and deceit of the world. My life is growing so enriched because of this.
To those of you who are taking the time to read this, but do not struggle with alcohol, think about this: substitute the alcohol in this story with any struggle you are experiencing, be it food addiction, control issues, pornography, low self-esteem, etc. There are a myriad of struggles which separate us from the person we are designed to be. Where is your head today? Get it out of the world for a moment and fill it with a wonder for the Almighty. “Be still and know that I am God.”